Cows......

Cows. Wonderful creatures really. All they do is sit around in fields, eating, chewing and generally taking it easy. When the time comes, they then provide us foods and meats... without as much as a struggle or fight!!!! Brilliant.

But here is the question - what the hell do they ponder all day in fields accross the country?

Is it "Christ, I hate grass!" or "I might go mad today and walk to that corner of the field". Maybe it's "I wonder when that man is coming back to wank us.... wish he'd hurry up!!!" or "I'm starving... I'd love a burger!"

After much discussion over the weekend, we think we've cracked it...

"I can not believe they put it in their drinks!"

The nations roads....

This isn't intended to be a rant site about driving in Ireland... but it's turning that way! But it's not all bad, and it is certainly entertaining!

For starters, I had a hilarious time listening to the Minister. What a tit. I mean, it doesn't take a genius to work out that provisional holders are plentiful on the road and for sure, it would be nice if they were full holder but lets face it, they are not a major factor in the death toll. I mean, does the test make you a better driver? Does the test teach you what to do if you spot a drunkard reversing down the road at 90? Does it teach you how to avoid an Eastern European showing some horny young farmers daughter how "we drive in homeland - on dis side!"?

Answer - No.

It's a multi-faceted problem - the test is outdated, the wait is too long (the minister agrees!) and the roads! The test needs to be overhauled - in fact I might do up a 10 point plan - to accomodate the new technologies and roundabouts!!!! I drive along a 4 lane road - what you and i would call a dual carriageway - to get home. The limit is 60KMH. At the end of that road I travel along a 3 mile road, complete with hard shoulder. Limit - 60KMH. At the end of that I turn right, enter a road wide enough for 1 car ONLY and the limit - you got it. 100 KMH!!!! Logic - fucking none!

But I must admit, I still love driving. And I'm thinking of changing the car so I ring a few insurance companies. I answered questions ranging from my driving experience to my dinner last night! Quotes varied by about 2,500k euro!!!!! Ridiculous. But if you haven't checked these guys out, you need to check it - www.xsdirect.ie. Common sense, in a nation gone mad!!!!

Wonder if they could run for a ministiral position....

The Cruiser, Katie and Bebo Beatings

I'm inspired by Twenty Major to invent some witty codenames for those with whom I interact each day. Today's is Cocky Colin, named so as he believes himself to be God's gift to women despite being the proud owner of just 1 notch in the headpost. A wealth of knowledge here then. Which is why I read the "joke" regarding Tom Cruise he sent me with a touch of.... well, I thought it would be shite. And it was!

"She wouldn't keep quiet if I was in the room with her" he remarks, at the top of the mail which explains about the whole Silent Birth thing, him eating placenta and the baby being named after the Scientology founders parrot! Now I'm not here to slag CC into the ground - but instead to fight this Tom Cruise knocking.

Look people - he's a scientologist. He's rich. He's successful. He's shagging Katie Holmes (I'm thinking of giving her another 6 months to come to her senses..... leave him for me, Katie!!!). He didn't sue the corpo for putting the ground so close to his ass. While people like CC and others are firing this mail around, Tom is probably sitting on a porch, looking at his porsche, trying to decide if Katie, Nicole or Peneolope was better in the sack. In other words, he has achieved what we only dream about - maybe not the placenta bit but the rest! So - in summary - I think I'll just delete that mail.

It's not like I don't have other mails. No. Piles. But I swear to God (sorry Tom... and LRH) if I get another friggin' Bebo friend request, I will find a *bebo* stick and beat the *bebo* shit out of a lot of *bebo* people. It's not like I'm anti web or social software - far from it. But I just find Bebo to be particularly annoying. So be warned people, TV3, RTE and INN will all be reporting the increase of in-office beatings in the west of Ireland very shortly... and you will know why!

Return from the Wilderness

Having spent the last number of months in a sleepless zone filled with empty pringle cans (useful things but thats another story!) and empty bottles of 151, I'm back. I can practically hear your heart pounding faster from here.... but be warned more is on thy way!!! Stay tuned.

Speaking of tuned... I was tuned into that delightful Ian Dempsey for an extra 15 minutes this morning. Why is that? Well, cos some fuckwit in the Galway pig-shop thought it would be a good idea to send a few nice young novice officers out to the main Galway access road to check tax & insurance on people's cars. Whilst another weekend of carnage is reported on the 8am news, I took great ease from knowing Galway's force was on the case... checking tax & insurance on a fucking Monday. It must be working too cos I've spent a whole 10 minutes trying to remember the last time I heard of someone causing havoc behind the wheel in the regular 2 mile morning tailback, bringing his/her kid to school or trying to make it to the office whilst so obviously drunk they caused a fatal accident. Well done lads!

Now, I wonder - and just humour me with this one - but would it be a good idea to have the same lads who were out doing such a sterling job on the dual carriageway this morning, deployed when maybe the pubs and/or clubs close on Thursday/Friday/Saturday/Sunday night? Probably not.... I mean, whatever hope there was this morning, there's no way they'll get a tan at that time of night!!!!